Appeal To The Values

When my younger son was around 6, a friend came over for a playdate. While working in my room, I overheard some bickering from my son’s room.

“Can I have a turn playing with your Bakugan?” the friend asked.

“I’m still playing,” my son responded.

“But you’ve been playing all the while!”

“It’s my game!” my son retorted.

Reluctantly, I stepped into the room and suggested, “Be nice, Aayush. Why don’t you share?”

He complied, but I could tell he was annoyed. He shared because I wanted him to, not because he wanted to.

I realized something important that day. As a parent, when I tried to force my son to act in line with my values, it will not be very effective.

So, what could I have done differently?

We can take a cue from how it works in our adult world.

If you’re a perfectionist who dedicates hours to completing a task meticulously, your boss’s calls for efficiency are unlikely to spur you into speeding up. Efficiency might not be something you value. However, maybe you are a person who strives to be a good teammate, and therefore, framing the request as a means of respecting your colleagues’ time could motivate you to pick up the pace.

The same logic works with kids. If you want to encourage them to behave differently, you’ll greatly improve your chance of success if you connect their behaviors to values that already matter to them.

This is what I could have done differently.

Appeal To The Values

My son has a strong moral compass. Instead of telling him to share his toys, I could have appealed to his inner sense of goodness by saying, “How would you feel if someone called you home and did not allow you to play with their toys the same way?” I am sure he would have willingly shared.

Appealing to someone’s values can be a powerful motivator for change. When you connect what you want someone to do with what matters to them already, it can inspire them deeply. It’s all about making that personal connection to what they care about, making the change more meaningful and long-lasting.