Listening Is The Help

I think of myself as a good problem-solver.

Someone brings me a problem, I offer a solution. At work, with my team. At home, with my wife. With my children. A problem shows up, and my mind immediately starts fixing it.

But I began to notice something, especially with my kids when they were in their teens. The moment I offered my solution, they would push back. Get defensive. Argue.

So I started to hold back. It went against every instinct I had. But I made myself stay quiet and just listen.

The outcomes were better. Almost every time.

What began as a way to reach my teenagers slowly became a lesson I carried into everything else.

Because most problems people bring you do not need your solution. They need your attention. They are working it out for themselves, out loud, and just need someone to hear them while they do. The moment I jump in with my fix, I take that away from them.

I try to stay quiet now. I listen. And somewhere in the talking, they arrive at their own answer. Often a better one than I would have given.

The hardest part is holding back. The instinct to solve is strong, especially when you care.

But often, listening is the help.